Saturday, May 10, 2014

Some Things That Change

Saturday  May 10th, 2014

I don't know how it came to be May already.  It just came is all I know.  The winter was long, cold, and snowy--and I don't know how we got through it.  Really.

We watched a lot of NCIS and slept a lot in the afternoons.  I was depressed.  Eric has cancer CANCER.  I hate the word and it's not one I thought I would have to use in reference to my husband.  I hate it.  I have asked God for so much these past 10 months.  I want to be answered.  I have faith.  It hasn't faltered but I want it to be stronger than it's ever been.  I  ponder a lot on what my faith has meant to me.  It has evolved and taken on different meanings throughout my life.  Right now it is a question.  A big question.  I do believe in a good GOD but why do I not feel a little better ever now and then.  Even when friends surround me I feel alone.  I've never felt so alone.  I look at myself and try to imagine my life without Eric.  I cannot.  I have family.  Wesley, Mary, Daniel and Karleigh to make me feel complete but I have a hole in my heart and it's huge and cannot be filled.  Things are changing and not for the better.

Diane came yesterday and we talked and talked then we made novaks.  I have turned my eating habits upside down lately in an effort to feel better--comfort food.  It doesn't help except for the moment.  As soon as they're digested, the feeling of good is gone.  I'm not myself these days.  This morning or rather, at 12:30 I made a complete breakfast just for myself.  Eric won't eat anything much at all so I hate cooking now even for myself.  I made sausage, gravy and biscuits and ate two biscuits with gravy then ate one with currant jelly.

I slept again after I got up.  I laid down because Eric hadn't gotten up yet and it was looking dark and stormy.  I stayed in bed til 12:00 and Zippy slept with me.  At some point, Eric got up and went to the couch and turned on the TV.

My phone was turned down yesterday when Eric's oncologist called.  I could beat myself up but it wouldn't do any good.  I do anyway.  We haven't heard anything regarding Eric's MRI from last Monday.  He has to go for Avastin this coming Monday so surely we will get to  hear something then.  I dread it because I know it's bad news, even though I have prayed.  Prayed hard and pleaded with God.  I don't hear anything at all.

I have read and read and read trying to learn more about what I should be feeling and/or how to cope with what I am feeling.  I've learned naught.  

I feel like I'm a pilgrim in a land unknown .  I have no Northern Star to guide me, no compass, no GPS, no navigational beacons.  I have no map.  I'm in unfamiliar territory and scared.  I'm lost. If I can't guide myself, how am I to guide Eric in his final journey.  Will God go with him?  Surely he will.  I have come to believe Eric's faith is stronger than mine.  I hope it is.

Last night I finished the book I was reading.  I cried through the last chapters.  It was telling the story of me.  It broke my heart.  I wanted desperately for it not to end.  I guess I shouldn't have read it at this time, but I was drawn to it even though it is a book I've had a long time in my library.  It is "Some Things That Stay" by Sarah Willis.  I want Eric to stay.  I want him to enjoy life again.  I want him to do things he wants to do and have fun doing them.  I want him to be able to go sailing and go places with me like we used to like the b&b's we used to go to in Asheville.  I just want us to do something fun.  I know he doesn't feel like doing anything now.  He just barely can get around.  It's hard for him to get in and out of the car.  I feel so sorry for him.  I just want to take away his pain and let him laugh again.  It's been a long time.  I don't want him to think he won't be better so I hide my true feelings all the time.  It's hard.  There are so many things we need to talk about. There are so many thing I don't know how to do.  I don't know how to lose him and that's the biggest loss I'll ever have.  LORD, what am I going to do? How am I to handle this?  I want to be a good wife and a good caretaker.  How am I doing?  Not good in my opinion.  By other's standards, maybe I'm doing okay with everything.  My emotions I have to hold back all the time unless I go to the bathroom and cry.  If I'm at work, I have to pretend everything is okay.  The patients don't want to listen and be bothered by a blubbering hygienist.  Why should they?  I wouldn't and don't expect them too.

I'm probably not going back to work.  I can't do it emotionally.  My thoughts are here at home when I'm at work.  I can't concentrate on things and I'm afraid I'll make a mistake with someone's health.  Scary.

Monday we go to UT.  Tuesday we have to go to Duke for an appointment on Wednesday morning then we'll drive back and be worn out.  On Thursday Eric has an appointment for his shoulder.  I have an appointment too for some anti anxiety meds.  It's time.

Okay, gonna go.  Eric needs a back rub and I'm just the girl for it.  haha.

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