Saturday, May 10, 2014

Some Things That Change

Saturday  May 10th, 2014

I don't know how it came to be May already.  It just came is all I know.  The winter was long, cold, and snowy--and I don't know how we got through it.  Really.

We watched a lot of NCIS and slept a lot in the afternoons.  I was depressed.  Eric has cancer CANCER.  I hate the word and it's not one I thought I would have to use in reference to my husband.  I hate it.  I have asked God for so much these past 10 months.  I want to be answered.  I have faith.  It hasn't faltered but I want it to be stronger than it's ever been.  I  ponder a lot on what my faith has meant to me.  It has evolved and taken on different meanings throughout my life.  Right now it is a question.  A big question.  I do believe in a good GOD but why do I not feel a little better ever now and then.  Even when friends surround me I feel alone.  I've never felt so alone.  I look at myself and try to imagine my life without Eric.  I cannot.  I have family.  Wesley, Mary, Daniel and Karleigh to make me feel complete but I have a hole in my heart and it's huge and cannot be filled.  Things are changing and not for the better.

Diane came yesterday and we talked and talked then we made novaks.  I have turned my eating habits upside down lately in an effort to feel better--comfort food.  It doesn't help except for the moment.  As soon as they're digested, the feeling of good is gone.  I'm not myself these days.  This morning or rather, at 12:30 I made a complete breakfast just for myself.  Eric won't eat anything much at all so I hate cooking now even for myself.  I made sausage, gravy and biscuits and ate two biscuits with gravy then ate one with currant jelly.

I slept again after I got up.  I laid down because Eric hadn't gotten up yet and it was looking dark and stormy.  I stayed in bed til 12:00 and Zippy slept with me.  At some point, Eric got up and went to the couch and turned on the TV.

My phone was turned down yesterday when Eric's oncologist called.  I could beat myself up but it wouldn't do any good.  I do anyway.  We haven't heard anything regarding Eric's MRI from last Monday.  He has to go for Avastin this coming Monday so surely we will get to  hear something then.  I dread it because I know it's bad news, even though I have prayed.  Prayed hard and pleaded with God.  I don't hear anything at all.

I have read and read and read trying to learn more about what I should be feeling and/or how to cope with what I am feeling.  I've learned naught.  

I feel like I'm a pilgrim in a land unknown .  I have no Northern Star to guide me, no compass, no GPS, no navigational beacons.  I have no map.  I'm in unfamiliar territory and scared.  I'm lost. If I can't guide myself, how am I to guide Eric in his final journey.  Will God go with him?  Surely he will.  I have come to believe Eric's faith is stronger than mine.  I hope it is.

Last night I finished the book I was reading.  I cried through the last chapters.  It was telling the story of me.  It broke my heart.  I wanted desperately for it not to end.  I guess I shouldn't have read it at this time, but I was drawn to it even though it is a book I've had a long time in my library.  It is "Some Things That Stay" by Sarah Willis.  I want Eric to stay.  I want him to enjoy life again.  I want him to do things he wants to do and have fun doing them.  I want him to be able to go sailing and go places with me like we used to like the b&b's we used to go to in Asheville.  I just want us to do something fun.  I know he doesn't feel like doing anything now.  He just barely can get around.  It's hard for him to get in and out of the car.  I feel so sorry for him.  I just want to take away his pain and let him laugh again.  It's been a long time.  I don't want him to think he won't be better so I hide my true feelings all the time.  It's hard.  There are so many things we need to talk about. There are so many thing I don't know how to do.  I don't know how to lose him and that's the biggest loss I'll ever have.  LORD, what am I going to do? How am I to handle this?  I want to be a good wife and a good caretaker.  How am I doing?  Not good in my opinion.  By other's standards, maybe I'm doing okay with everything.  My emotions I have to hold back all the time unless I go to the bathroom and cry.  If I'm at work, I have to pretend everything is okay.  The patients don't want to listen and be bothered by a blubbering hygienist.  Why should they?  I wouldn't and don't expect them too.

I'm probably not going back to work.  I can't do it emotionally.  My thoughts are here at home when I'm at work.  I can't concentrate on things and I'm afraid I'll make a mistake with someone's health.  Scary.

Monday we go to UT.  Tuesday we have to go to Duke for an appointment on Wednesday morning then we'll drive back and be worn out.  On Thursday Eric has an appointment for his shoulder.  I have an appointment too for some anti anxiety meds.  It's time.

Okay, gonna go.  Eric needs a back rub and I'm just the girl for it.  haha.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Snowy Sunday!!

When I rolled out of bed at 7:00, I was going to the kitchen to put on the coffee as I do every morning and peeped out the window and what to my wondering eyes should appear but snow covered decks, cars, trees, everything but the roads. The temp is only in the 20's and not supposed to get over 35 today. Brrrrrr.

On to church I go but missed Sunday School since my car was covered and I got frustrated trying to clean it off enough to see and for the other cars to be able to see ME!!!

Well, I had good intentions, however, one thing led to another and I didn't get there after all. Eric is still feeling poorly with whatever he has had for the past 5 days. I am beginning to think it's salmonella from the salad bar he had on Wednesday. He doesn't know what he might have gotten there that gave it to him. I fixed him an egg sandwich, which he said he was craving, but he was able to eat just half of it an drink a cup of hot chocolate. I'm having a cup of dark Mayan chocolate/coffee drink. It tastes so good and is something warm on such a cold day.

I watched the service from First Baptist Church in Morristown since I didn't get to church and the guest speaker was the president of Carson Newman College. His topic was forgiveness and it was a good lesson. We have all been wronged at one time or another and are still carrying that load with us everyday. I want to be able to forgive others, even though it's difficult at times to get that through my heart. I know in my head it is the right thing to do, but doing that can be difficult. I will pray about it and read the book that Monika gave me "Total Forgiveness". I have read bits and pieces, but will read the whole book and then I can pass it along to others who might like to read it.

Well, I'm signing off right now to do something else, sure is a good day to curl up and read and then drop off to sleep........

Quote of the day:
Assertiveness rules..if that's OK with you.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

A whole new meaning to pay it forward

Saturday 2/21/09

A Whole New Meaning to "Pay it Forward"

On Wednesday last week as I was headed out from the office to get a bite of lunch, I looked in my wallet and realized I didn't have enough money to get a whole lot to eat, so I proceeded to run to the nearby branch of my bank to the ATM. Then, I couldn't think of anything that sounded like something I really wanted at that time, so I decided to go to Burger King to get a grilled chicken sandwich (only 5 points on Weight Watchers) and a diet Coke to go with it. Oh, how I wanted those fries to go along with it. I am a huge fan of french fries and I'm not kidding!! :) The line was rather long and by this time it was 12:30 and I really needed to be back at the office by 12:55 in order to get ready for my next patient.

While I was moving slowly up to the window to pay my $5.95 tab, I couldn't help but notice that in front of me there was a little yellow VW with a young woman driving. I actually noticed she had on ear rings so I guess she was a woman. She looked to be by herself. As I pressed on up to the window to pay, the girl who had taken my order and given me my total looked at me and she just had the biggest grin as she said "I have a message for you." My first thought was "how could she have a a message for me since she (a) doesn't even know me and (b) no one even knows I'm here and (c) if someone wanted to give me a message, I have a cell # which all my friends, family, and co-workers know and wouldn't hesitate to use . I know I must have looked shocked as I said very timidly "a message?" She said "yes, the lady in front of you has paid for your meal!" I was at a loss for words. I know I started blabbering about having heard of this before and I know that people do this type of thing, but since it had never happened to me, it was still just a string of words that had no meaning. I said finally, "oh my goodness!! What do I do?? I was so excited that someone would do this for me--someone I hadn't met and probably never will. The nice girl at the window replied "just pull forward and get your meal is all you need to do." She said it just like it happened every day. She seemed just as happy about it as I did. It was one of the best BK lunches I had eaten in a while just because someone had the kindness and the desire to buy my lunch. I was reminded of the Good Samaritan who took care of the wounded man by the road. I admit I wasn't "needing" help or anything akin to that, but just the thought warmed my heart. Now I can tell people who ask about "paying it forward" that "yes, I am well acquainted with the concept and it happened to me on day in February at the Burger King on Chapman Highway in Knoxville. I'm living proof that sometimes good things unexpectedly happen!!! I hope that someone will do something extra special for that young girl who bought my lunch and you can bet I will do my part to "pay it forward" for someone very soon!

Til the next time

"My Lord is more ready to pardon than you to sin, more able to forgive than you to transgress." � Charles Spurgeon

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Welcome and the latest happenings

Well, it is a new year and I have a new blog!! Wesley keeps insisting that his mother "needs" a blog, so here it is, just for you, Wes.

I don't know that I have a lot to say unless it's about my beautiful family which consists of my wonderful husband, Eric, my fun and lovable son Wes, lovely wife Mary, and last, but not least my sweet, adorable love of my life grandson, Daniel who is 16 months old.

Daniel took his first steps on January 1st. How fitting. It was also on January 1st of 2007 they found out that they would be having a baby (their first) sometime late summer. He arrived on August 30 and I haven't quit bragging about him to all my friends, family, patients, and anyone else who would listen since then. He has the cutest ways and is the friendliest baby I have ever seen and that is the truth. Even when he is crying sometimes, he takes a split second to give a big toothy grin and that melts my heart every time.

We enjoyed having them at the house from Monday before Christmas until about 3:00 Christmas day when they had to return home to enjoy their Christmas at their home, which I can understand. It's important for them to start their own little traditions with their own family time. I did hate to see them go, though. Lucky for me and Eric, they came again last night and spent the night with us. We had coffee, freshly roasted beans compliments of Wes, an boy was it good!! We always get samples of new coffees when he visits. Need I say we look forward to the coffee, well, not as much as the bonding time we have with them.

I might be experiencing a little post-holiday depression of a sort. I felt like going back to bed after they left for home this morning, so I took my Sudoku puzzles and a Southern Living mag and went to my bedroom. After working a puzzle or 2, I fell asleep and enjoyed a nice restful nap. Eric went to the boat to take some measurements for putting in a stove. That is just one of the many projects he has going on at the time to make the boat trips a little more easy.

Last night we watched a movie called "Eagle Eye" It was a suspenseful and entertaining movie. It was a curious thing that the same actress, Rosario Dawson, starred in it and also starred in the movie that Eric and I went to see Friday night at the Carmike 12 in Morristown which also starred Will Smith--"Seven Pounds". Now that was a real tear jerker at the end. It was a case where one did the most giving thing a person can do for another human being. Maybe he did it out of guilt, but still, it was a totally selfless act which he did. Jesus said " Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his friends." I think this movie could be summed up by this statement. Better go watch it again!!!

Til next time...........